Looking For Help For Addiction in a Loved One
Operating an addiction recovery treatment center, I have had the opportunity to field hundreds of phone calls and emails from people looking for help for their loved ones. One of the first things that we do is to try and connect with the alcoholic, and speak with them directly. When the family is making all the arrangements and the alcoholic has no investment in their own treatment, outcomes are usually not good. When addicts do find their way to our facility, they find our program very different from other centers they may have attended or heard about. We have no Family Week, we offer no Family Counselling, we very rarely ask for Impact Letters from family, and we discourage contact for our guest with his/her family members back home, especially for the first few weeks, and then only short contact later on, if necessary. When we explain this to the loved ones back home, they are often very surprised, and feel angry.
Many times the conversation goes something like this: “I would do anything to help my (father, mother, wife, husband, sister, brother, son, daughter, grandchild...). I would do anything!” They may have already paid for multiple failed treatments and ‘cures’ for their loved ones. They are desperate, they don’t want their loved one to suffer and die. “Please help us,” they say, “we are at our wits end, we don’t know what to do, but we will do ANYTHING to help”. My reply is always the same, something like this: “I strongly recommend that you begin attending Al-Anon meetings in your area, commit to at least 6 meetings, read the literature, and keep an open mind”. The response 7 times out of 10 is, “Oh, well, I won’t do that. Why would I do that? I am not the one with the problem.” We call this Denial. Alcoholism is called a family disease, because the whole family gets sick. More and more, we also recommend full residential treatment for the most codependent person in the family.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, a child learns skills and tools to survive the emotional and often physical mine-fields in the home. These skills may keep the child alive and functioning, but continuing to practice these survival behaviours as an adult doesn’t work and in fact they will cripple and maim up-coming generations. Whether or not the child grows up to have substance abuse issues, or co-dependent, toxic people-pleasing issues, the damage and the treatment are the same. We call them the 12 Steps.
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Why do we choose to help the alcoholic/addict distance themselves from the family system? Shouldn’t family counselling be part of a full recovery program? We don’t think so, not at the beginning. Often the family system is so toxic, that the very best thing anyone beginning their recovery can do is to attempt to let go of family. People outside of the recovery field may find it hard to believe, but anyone who has worked with addicted families will have scores of stories about sabotaging behaviour of loved ones. Although family says they want the alcoholic/addict to stop using, the family doesn’t necessarily want them to change. When one person in the family system changes, everyone else in the system feels threatened. If the family does not begin their own program of recovery, it is almost inevitable that they will try to pull the addict back into their addiction. Former guests of our program have told us that although their spouse refused to keep alcohol in the home while the alcoholic was drinking, suddenly beer is in the fridge – you know, in case a neighbour drops by. Or there is an open bottle of wine on the counter, a hooked statement like, “maybe you can just have one little drink with me, you are no fun anymore”. Many a newcomer to recovery hears “You are going to another meeting? Why don’t you stay home tonight?”
Family members are appalled if this behaviour is pointed out to them. The denial and fear is so high, there is little chance of them understanding this dynamic if they are not attending their own program of recovery.
Almost all treatment programs in the world are aimed at the alcoholic or addict, the person using the substance. We know that the non-using people in the family are often times sicker than the addict, and they need substantial help. There are a very few 45, 60 and 90 day residential treatment programs for the enabler and the toxic people pleaser. If a person really really wants to do anything they can to help a loved one who is in active addiction. The best thing they can do is get substantial help for themselves. Coming to recognize the ways in which the codependent person has contributed to the destruction of the family is not easy; changing the behaviour is even more difficult. Al-Anon meetings, support and someone like a sponsor or counsellor who cares enough to point out damaging behaviours is crucial for a effective and sustained recovery. When each person heals from their own damage separately, there is an optimistic and exciting opportunity for a fresh relationship based on mutual respect, vulnerability and trust.
