How to Let Go? Just Hang On. How to Hang On? Just Let Go.

I tried to write a comment on my friend's blog post, and I could not get it to work!  Unable to "Let it Go", I am going to re-post it here, along with my comment. ahahha, yep, I couldn't let it go...

The 12 Steps and Zen Koans,  by Bill K.



In recovery everything is backwards. I was taught by my parents (the same ones that also occasionally made pancakes for dinner - I can relate) taught me that when I got the end of my rope, I should tie a big knot and hang on. There was a popular poster out at that time (in the 70's when posters were cool) of a tiny kitten hanging on to a big knot. It said "Hang in There Baby"


Now I know that when I get to the end of my rope, I need to let go. And if I am spiritually fit, I might not even have to wait until I get to the end of it. And someday, I may not even pick up the rope!


Thanks for a great post Bill K.

Jane


www.focusontoday.com Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

A Full and Thankful Heart

Attitude of Gratitude

posted 19 minutes ago by Focus On Today

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

www.focusontoday.com Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

Twins: Separated at Birth - or - What is Your Story? - Focus On Today

Twins: Separated at Birth - or - What is Your Story? - Focus On Today

In Focus Today...‎ > ‎

Twins: Separated at Birth - or - What is Your Story?

posted 29 minutes ago by Focus On Today

What is your story? About 15 years ago, I was just becoming conscious of my own spiritual journey. A personal crisis afforded me an opportunity to re-examine my life, my choices and consequences. As often happens, seemingly chance happenings can have big impacts, and I had just such a happening in a dentist waiting room. I picked up a mainstream psychology magazine, and flipped to a story entitled: Twins, Separated at Birth. Here is the paraphrased story: There was a pair of twins, who, separated at birth, were raised in different families unaware of each other's existence. By chance (divine intervention), the twins were re-united after 30 years or so. Much to psychologist's delight, the twins presented a rare opportunity for insight by agreeing to participate in separate interviews. The First Interview: Twin number one was asked a lot of questions about his habits and behaviours. The twin stated that he was a meticulous house keeper. "Everything needs to be in its place, and there is a place for everything. I have the clothes in my closet colour-coordinated and I am very fussy about the vacuum lines on the carpet being straight." The interviewers asked him, "Why do you think you are like this?" and the twin stated without hesitation, "This is how my mother taught me to keep house. Our house was immaculate always. This is what I learned." The Second Interview: Twin number two was asked the same questions. The second twin stated that he was a meticulous housekeeper. "I have all the cans in my cupboard lined up, with labels facing front, and when I cut the lawn the lines are as straight as arrows. My house and belongings are always in order!" The interviewers asked this twin why he thought he was like this. He answered matter of factly, "My mother was a slob! Our house was always a disaster, I could never find anything. I swore I would never be like my mother". This story revealed to me that only I was accountable for my life and all my choices. Typical of people living the 'unexamined life', I had been sure that all the negative events of my life were because of a variety of reasons that had nothing to do with me; I was a product of all that had ever happened to me. This twin study disclosed what I have since found to be completely true: it is not the things that happened to me, it is how I have reacted to the things that happened to me. I have seen the magic of this revelation manifest in the lives of hundreds of people I have known and worked with. When a person who believes that they are a victim of circumstance discovers and appropriates responsibility and accountability for themselves, they are on the road to freedom. When the word 'victim' is exchanged for 'volunteer', everything can change. What is the story of 'blame' in your life? You may have been told, or in turn told the story so many times you don't even question it. Are you the way you are because: You were an only child (first born, middle child, youngest) You were raised by grandparents Never had grandparents Raised on a farm Raised in the city, small town, village, hamlet, overseas, on an Island You were poor, wealthy, middle-class Had to wear glasses, braces or corrective shoes Were picked on Were most popular, looked up to Blonde, red-headed or brunette, curly or straight? Neglected Smothered Abused Sheltered Low or high IQ This list goes on ad infinitum. The real truth behind your life only becomes apparent when the accepted stories are challenged and discarded. I hope this chance encounter I had in the waiting room with the twins impacts you like it did me. What is your story?

www.focusontoday.comEffective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

Chocolate Lab Delight, A Big Hearted Handsome Dog, Cocoa Derry

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Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

Excuses, Excuses

Rationalization - Let Me Explain. Clearing away the wreckage

In Focus Today…‎ > ‎

“Let Me Explain…”

posted by Focus On Today

Here’s a challenge. Listen for the words, “Let me explain…”. Whose mouth do you hear them from first? Your own?

I was working with a person today, discussing accountability. She asked, “What does rationalizing mean?”  A long forgotten ‘slogan’ came immediately to mind, so I’ll share it here too, as the slogan of the day.

The definition of rationalization: providing a socially acceptable reason for a socially unacceptable behaviour.



Learn the skills to be accountable for your own behaviour, without excuses. It is impossible to clear away the wreckage of your own rationalizing and justifying using your own rationalizing and justifying. Get the help you need to find clarity, peace of mind and harmony.

Posted 11 seconds ago

www.focusontoday.com Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

Empathetic Listening Tips - Focus on Today

Couple Work - Things Not To Do When Practicing Empathetic Listening

Things Not To Do When Practising Empathetic Listening

Empathetic Listening is a learned skill. Most people did not grow up either receiving or practising this powerful way of communicating. There is a whole lot to say about this art, and in this article, I am going to list 10 things NOT to do while listening to someone with your whole attention. There are dozens of things you should avoid, and this list just starts alphabetically with 10 suggestions. If this is a new behaviour, some of these things will feel strange. Don’t worry, you will find dozens of opportunities to practice this art with just about anyone that you run across during your day.

Don’t:

1. Advise: Don’t give advice, counsel or offer opinions or suggestions to your partner during this interchange. Empathetic listening is not a normal two way conversation.

2. Analyze: Don’t analyze what the other person is saying. Your job as an empathetic listener is not to critically examine what your partner is saying. As your skills in listening increase, you will not only stop yourself from saying out loud your criticism, but you’ll notice they will stop in your head too.

3. Argue: Don’t argue with anything your partner is saying, don’t present reasons for or against anything. This is not the time for adversary both out loud, and in your head.

4. Argue about facts: Even if you think your partner has gotten some facts wrong - dates, names or such. These ‘facts’ are irrelevant to listening with heart. Don’t try to correct.

5. Ask indirect questions: Don’t ask for clarification about things that don’t matter, just to satisfy a curiosity. You don’t need to have all the details filled in to listen with heart.

6. Be emotional: It is important to stay calm, and not use exaggerated facial expressions of things like shock or anger or disgust while listening. Your emotions will distract the speaker from their own process.

7. Be prejudiced: Keep an open mind about everything you think you know. You have an opportunity to challenge your own prejudices and stay impartial and receptive to new or different ideas. If you find your mind closing down, stop, and remember your job as an empathetic listener.

8. Become defensive: Don’t take anything personally. If you are feeling attacked or accused, remember your job is to listen impartially. If you find yourself presenting evidence, rationalizing or justifying, you are defensive. This means verbally, or mentally in your head. Put it all aside, and just listen.

9. Blame: Assigning blame to any person, situation or principle is counter-productive to empathetic listening. Just let the person know you have heard them.

10. Change the subject: Make sure that you don’t advertently or inadvertently start talking about something different. This is called hijacking or derailing the conversation. It is very disrespectful, and can shut your partner down.

I’ve used the word partner, just to indicate the other person in the interchange. Once you start using these principles in your daily communication with people, you will become amazed at how people respond to you, and your relationships will flourish. People likely won’t know why they feel so much better after talking with you, but true empathetic listening affords the speaker a tremendous opportunity to work things out for themselves.

Watch for further articles for more tips on what Not to do during your Empathetic Listening opportunities.

See more about what I do at http://www.focusontoday.com

Jane Derry is a skilled and intuitive counsellor. She specializes in working with individuals and families facing addiction issues and codependency, as well as conflict resolution. Jane’s main focus is to help you connect with your higher spiritual self. Jane and her husband John Derry, B.Sc., Phm, Master Counsellor, through their practice Focus On Today, are ready to help you find clarity in your life. Online, Skype, Face to Face, or Telephone services are available.
http://www.focusontoday.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jane_Derry

www.focusontoday.com Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

Empathetic Listening: 10 Things Not to Do

Empathetic Listening: 10 Things Not to Do

www.focusontoday.comEffective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

How Sure Are You That You Are Sure?

Couples Counselling Kelowna

What’s In Focus Today!

• How Sure Are You That You Are Sure?

I love stories. If you are familiar with any of my blogs or work at all, you know by now, I love stories. Most people don’t appreciate the “naked truth”, but when it is wrapped up in a beautiful story, most people will welcome it in, sometimes without even knowing it is the truth. Stories can continue to reveal the truth slowly over time, meeting you where you are, showing back up in your psyche with the message you need - even if you don’t want to see the truth.
So, here’s a new favourite. It kind of reminds me of the saying (I love sayings too), When you are pointing a finger at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at you. Let me know if you like this story too, and what it means for you. Does an experience or belief come to mind?


Can You Hear Me Now?

The old man was sure that his wife was losing her hearing. He was frustrated that she refused to get her hearing checked, and scoffed at the idea of a hearing aid. The old man was getting quite worked up over it, and remembering and playing over all kinds of times when his wife would not listen to him - he felt he was usually right about most things.
Wanting to prove his rightness around his wife’s hearing loss, he decided to test her. One evening after supper, his wife was at her usual place at the kitchen with her green tea, reading on her iPad. Her back was to the living room. Her husband stood way back, from the adjoining room, and called out, “Honey, can you hear me?” His wife did not move, and did not answer.
He moved a little closer, “Honey, can you hear me now?” Again, there was no response from his wife. He moved right to the door of the kitchen, and called again, “Honey, can you hear me now?” No response. He was feeling quite vindicated, he would be able to prove to her that she was going deaf! He quietly snuck up right behind her, and whispered to the back of her head, “Honey, can you hear me now?”
His wife whirled around impatiently, and said “Yes! For the fourth time, yes!”

I think that the story stands for itself, so I won’t clutter it up with rhetoric.




Find out more about what I do, and how I can help you with your relationship with yourself, with others, and with your Higher Power.http://www.focusontoday.com

Jane Derry is a skilled and intuitive counsellor. She specializes in working with individuals and families facing addiction issues and codependency, as well as conflict resolution. Jane’s main focus is to help you connect with your higher spiritual self. Jane and her husband John Derry, B.Sc., Phm, Master Counsellor, through their practice Focus On Today, are ready to help you find clarity in your life. Online, Skype, Face to Face, or Telephone services are available.

http://www.focusontoday.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jane_Derry


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Zen Ghost Story by Jane Derry

Zen Ghost Story by Jane Derry

www.focusontoday.com Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

The Lion in the Marble

Focus on Today www.focusontoday.com Effective Couples Counselling in Kelowna

The Lion in the Marble

The use of stories is a wonderful way to introduce and explore spiritual concepts. I love to tell stories and have plenty of opportunity in my work with people in recovery. I am going to share here a very effective and feeling-provoking little tale. Then there are some questions - I encourage you to answer them for yourself. www.focusontoday.com

The Lion in the Marble

Once upon a time, (when I start my stories with this, people know a story is about to follow, and they usually lean in) there lived a little boy about 5 years old. The little boy was shy but curious and loved to wander the cobbled streets in his little Italian village.

One day he noticed a huge block of marble being delivered to the artisan of the village. The little boy followed the marble down the street, and watched it being set up in the Master Sculptor’s workshop. The child was fascinated, and came to watch the man and the marble whenever he could for several weeks.

The little boy and his family left the village for a number of months to go and visit family in another part of the country. When the boy returned, he was anxious to go see the man and the marble. As soon as he was able, he scampered down the streets to the workshop. He stopped in his tracks, he gasped, he stepped back, he couldn’t believe his eyes! Where the block of marble used to be, there sat a large and powerful lion.

The wide eyed little boy looked at the sculptor and whispered quietly, “Sir, tell me, how did you know there was a lion in that marble?”

The sculptor smiled at the child, “Boy, I knew this lion was in the stone, because I saw him there with my heart, and then I removed everything that was not the lion.”

1. Who or what is chipping away the marble surrounding your true self?
2. Who or what has been adding on more marble?
3. What are the chips and chunks that have fallen away?
4. What are those chips and chunks that aren’t you, made of?
5. What is in the center of your block of marble?
6. Choose one or more of the following:

a. Describe that center in a couple of paragraphs or essay.

b. Draw or paint the center.

c. Write a poem describing the center.

d. Any other creative expression that you can share with the group, representative of the center.

I hope this little tale has challenged you to explore the pure center of your being. If you would like to share your answers, please do!

Jane Derry General Manager and Spiritual Director of A Home Away Retreat. A private results oriented addiction recovery facility. Non-institutional rehab that works - turns addictions to assets.
http://www.ahomeaway.org

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www.focusontoday.com Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

Focus On Today, The Lion in the Marble

Focus On Today, The Lion in the Marble

www.focusontoday.comEffective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

You Can't Change the Past... - Focus On Today

You Can't Change the Past... - Focus On Today

www.focusontoday.com Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

The 12 Steps and Zen Koans: Don't Tell Me ...

The 12 Steps and Zen Koans: Don't Tell Me ...: "... I Can't Do That. Once I heard that you cannot arbitrarily attach koans to anything... ummm ... but that's what I've done here, this..."

www.focusontoday.comEffective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

Sailing Decision, Beneteau First 36.7, Commodore Cup KYC 2010

www.focusontoday.comEffective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.

Let It Be - Discernment from the Universe

Let It Be

posted 12 minutes ago by Focus On Today

Like for a lot of people, this past two years has definitely been a bit of an endurance test. The shaken world economy also came into our home, and the recession became a reality. It has manifested in, when not appropriately treated spiritually, a lot of clouded vision, tightness of heart, and fear. It is finally Spring though, and it feels impossible to miss the tremendous and vast promise of the Universe as it unfolds in the slender shoot of the daffodils and the cheerful treble of returning songbirds. As I mentioned above, when treated spiritually, hard times are easy, but being human means, for me, usually being human and looking for human answers to solve apparent problems. I think that if I just think hard enough, or worry more, or twist the apparent problem over and over and over in my mind, that I shall be clever enough to come up with the grand solution. When I realize I'm doing this, again, I turn it over to the Universe, and ask for help. This past week, I specially asked for clear discernment as to God's will for me. What should I 'do'? And, as the Universe is unfailing, I got a personalized response that was impossible to miss. I had a fairly rare visit with my 15 year-old nephew, Anthony; we live in different cities. I was at his home, and he offered to perform his latest piano recital piece for me. With great deliberation and elocution, the familiar, but not often heard, The Beatles" song, Let It Be resounded through the living room. Anthony's beautiful instrumental version was accompanied with the words in my head, Let it be, let it be, let it be, ya, let it be, there will be an answer, let it be. All goose-pimply at hearing my message from the Universe, delivered through the experience of Anthony's joyous playing, I thanked my Higher Power for this unusual clarity. Apparently the Universe wanted to make sure I really got the message. Two days later I was audience to Dr Wayne Dyer speaking in Vernon, BC. This was the first time I had heard Dr Dyer live, but I was not surprised that his daughter Sky had accompanied him. She often joins his presentations and sings a cappella during the show. Halfway through the presentation, Dr Dyer turned the stage over to Sky, and she filled the arena with the familiar and more often now heard, you guessed it, Let It Be. The goose-pimples doubled, and I was overwhelmed with the love and assurance of the Universe that I didn't have to do anything. Dr Dyer said it very eloquently later in his lecture, speaking to me for the Universe, "Jane, you don't have to do anything, you just need to be done. Let it be." Nothing I have done has coaxed the songbirds to return or the first green buds to appear. No amount of mental gymnastics and agonizing over scenarios will resolve my 'problems'. The Universe has got it all worked out if I can relax and let it be. All the action to be taken will be intuitively obvious. And thanks be to God. (As I type these last words, gorgeous Red-tail Hawk - The Messenger, soars by my window like a wink from the Universe.) Jane Derry is a skilled and intuitive counsellor. She specializes in working with individuals and families facing addiction issues and codependency, as well as conflict resolution. Jane's main focus is to help you connect with your higher spiritual self. Jane and her husband John Derry, B.Sc., Phm, Master Counsellor, through their practice Focus On Today, are ready to help you find clarity in your life. Online, Skype, Face to Face, or Telephone services are available. http://www.focusontoday.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jane_Derry Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6114739

www.focusontoday.com Effective and Intuitive Private Counselling,Online,Face to Face and Telephone. Learning to live in right relationship with self, spirit and others.